A long, long time ago, in a far off land…..a land of firsts and lasts- lived a girl in her twenties. This girl desired to be loved. So much so that she justified a one sided relationship for 4 years. Let my story be lesson for you.
It was love at first. I wanted him to be the one. I wanted him to be my only. But I could never bring myself to tell him that. We met sophomore year of college, looking back now I realize how silly I was. Giving my heart to a man who never knew he had it. I thought I was protecting myself. That if I didn’t say I loved him – it couldn’t hurt so bad. That the less I said it out loud the better I would feel.
Like Samantha in Sex and the City, I was convinced I wasn’t going to rely on a man. I wanted to be independent. Empowered. I wanted no regrets. To feel beautiful. And yet this girl was fat. You may equate fat to beautiful now, but this princess thought of it only as a death sentence.
Therefore, I deemed myself unworthy. I convinced myself that he could not love me. So he would not break my heart. I was unworthy of his love and loyalty because I was fat. It was much easier playing the part of a serial dater than to convince myself that I could be worth it. Four years, I pretended he wasn’t the one I wanted. I spent four years, talking about him to friends and family, all the while keeping my precious feelings to myself. And all because I was fat.
But the story doesn’t end there, because there was another suitor and she was skinny. Yes! She was skinny and petite- everything I wasn’t. He showed interest in us both a comparison and battle that I was all too familiar with…skinny vs. fat. Awkward vs. petite. I saw defeat. There was no competition. Instead I cursed her name and when he needed me – I dropped everything to be there. Four years.
We played this game of agony for four years. I remember one night toward the end of our story, it was just she and I in the middle of a crowded bar- we stood side by side and she said something to me- It was kind and probably funny. And it hit me…this princess was just like me. Sure, she was skinny and petite but she was also nice. I had no reason to hate her. In fact, if he wasn’t in the picture I probably would have liked her.
She didn’t steal my man. There was no man to steal. I had not given myself that opportunity, as I never felt comfortable with the feelings of vulnerability and therefore never shared my feelings.
Amanda is a plus size influencer and author of the blog Bella Moxie. Most recently Amanda moved from MN to LA to take on the Director of Marketing position at SWAK Designs. Amanda’s mission is to encourage already beautiful plus size women to love their bodies through fashion and community. You can find this self-proclaimed “perpetually plus size” lady on her blog www.mybellamoxie.com or on social media at @mybellamoxie.